I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.