Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
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*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Kids, do not try this at home!
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: