Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
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If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.