Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Möther may I have a snäck
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit