Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
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Can’t, holding a grudge
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.