I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.