My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
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The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Anime is real
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
sleeping beauty
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.