I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Someone just threatened to call me later
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.