i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
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Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
🤣🤣🤣
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*cough*
The 6 types of sex
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*