Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
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My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Awesome parenting 😂
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire