Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
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Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”