This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
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I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
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me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Start the year as you intend to continue.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.