receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
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No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together