At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
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Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
nature’s most graceful animal
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure