Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
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When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve