Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
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Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.