Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My first son he is wonderful