After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
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Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Very good news from my accountant
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.