Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
You Might Also Like
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
What if the weather talks about us?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.