Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
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Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
it was a valiant fight
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
this is funnier than any friends episode
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
the official breakfast of 2021
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
🙋♀️
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.