Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
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My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?