Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
won’t smith
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost