Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
repaired
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.