According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?