Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
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So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.