Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Twitter remains undefeated
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.