Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
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Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.