HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
You Might Also Like
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor