The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
You Might Also Like
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.