My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
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Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle