Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
You Might Also Like
President The Rock Obama
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
we’re gonna need another temp
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants