[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
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Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣