I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
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They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
The first matador
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Breaking news:
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
School be like
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now