If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
is this store having a stroke wtf
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
It be like that sometimes 😆
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send