If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
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I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.