MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
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I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.