I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
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I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
All. The. Damn. Time.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
This is why I hate group projects
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”