I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
hey, alexa
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?