i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
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Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Tammy is short for Tamuel
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Heroic Misunderstanding
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*ernest hemingway voice*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Welcome to the stomach
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!