Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
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Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Body by Oreos
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me too door. Me too.