every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
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landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.