Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
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My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
San Francisco has too many rules
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
peak technology
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?