I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”