Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.