Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man