I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
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Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
A roof is a house hat.