Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
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Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*