To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
#JohnTravolta
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé