*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
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When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I forgot how to panic. Help
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
This is me
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
But is it really??
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]