WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
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Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!